Father's Day has come and gone, and with it the annual flurry of dad-friendly gifts, heartwarming newscasts and the highest-ranking father in the land -- President Barack Obama -- taking time to urge his fellow fathers to step up when it comes to their kids.

Fathers, Obama wrote in a letter to Parade magazine, need to "realize that their job does not end at conception; that what makes you a man is not the ability to have a child but the courage to raise one."

It's advice few would dispute. But fathers who routinely do share daily child-rearing duties equally with their spouses or handle the job alone say we also need to adjust the way society responds.

In a generation where both parents are often working and the lines of childcare have blurred as never before, one tentacle of traditional American culture remains surprisingly dominant: When you're talking about the kids, talk to the mom.

The bias is subtle, but persistent. Blogger and screenwriter Greg Allen, a Washington, D.C., father of two, has had his questions politely ignored during visits to the pediatrician's office, while his wife's queries were answered promptly.

"I used to get really worked up about it," Allen said. "I think a lot of people still have sort of the default-setting in their heads that moms are the parent. That 'parents' equals 'moms,' and moms are the caregivers. Dads are still put into the 'observers' category in people's minds."

When Allen explores the subject on his blog, daddytypes.com, readers quickly respond.

Some fathers say they're treated as full-fledged parents when running kid-related errands or dealing with their children in public by themselves. But if their wives are present, they become invisible to everyone from salespeople in baby stores to day care center staffers.

John Ofenloch, a Dallas-area father of one, has gotten stares from playgroup moms and preschool teachers when he's attended events during the workday for his daughter Morgan. "You can tell they're wondering, 'Did he lose his job? Why is he here?' ... And yet when a mother shows up, there's no question," he said. "No one blinks."

The reaction to Ofenloch's brother-in-law Chuck, who serves as Morgan's nanny, is often similar. "You can see people are wondering," Ofenloch said, "'Who the heck is this guy? Why is a guy taking her to school?"'

Despite the growing presence of daddy bloggers and "SAHDs" (stay-at-home-dads), society has been slow in catching up with the modern realities of fatherhood, says Erin Boyd-Soisson, an associate professor of family science at Messiah College in Grantham, Pa.

"Up until just 10 or 15 years ago, when researchers did research into children, they used the term 'non-maternal care' for everyone but the mother," she said. "Fathers were lumped in with baby sitters."

That's since changed within academia. But not so much in the wider world.

"There is so much conditioning, in terms of thinking that women instinctively know more and have more experience with children," said Claudia Strauss, a family communications expert and lecturer at Albright College in Reading, Pa. "You can't just turn off the switch of what's been there, in terms of role models and what's been inculcated culturally and societally" for so many generations.

For some dads, the occasional stare or slight is just background noise. "I spend so much time by myself out with the kids, having people deal with me as the parent, that I don't notice it, really, when it does happen," said Eric Gorman, a father of two who lives in Pittsburgh.

But Strauss says some men become less involved with their children's lives after enough negative reinforcement.

"Fathers can be made to feel less secure, especially young men when they first become fathers, because it reinforces that idea that they don't know what they're doing," she said.

"Awareness is really important for the medical professional, for the nursery school provider, all these people who provide direct services to parents," Strauss said. "If you don't want fathers to be tangential, you can't treat them as though they are."

Allen agrees: "I'm not pushing for special dispensation for dads. But it really is just the little things that can accumulate in a dad's psyche, and they have enough momentum to push moms back into that sole primary-caregiver role."

Tips for boosting dad's profile on child matters

It's a pet peeve of many fathers these days: On a family outing to the pediatrician's office, the staff there speaks only to the mother. No one's outright rude, but he's dealt with as a polite observer rather than a full-fledged participant.

Or parents go shopping for baby items, and the salesperson focuses solely on what the mother might want to buy. It's a bit like dad is invisible.

For fathers who find frequent invisibility frustrating, there are a few subtle solutions for raising awareness:

Approach it as a team

"Agree in advance to divide up the questions you're going to ask" during meetings with child care providers or medical appointments, says Claudia Strauss, a family communications expert and lecturer at Albright College in Reading, Pa.

During the appointment, "when the husband is asking a question or raising a point, the mother looks at him," she says, because if the mother is focusing on the father, others in the room likely will, too.

"The mother can also turn to the father and say, 'What's your take on this?' or 'What did you notice?' or turn to the doctor and say, 'I'm not the one with observations on this. He is."'

Also, make sure mom isn't unwittingly serving as a "gatekeeper between children and father," says Erin Boyd-Soisson, an associate professor of human development and family science at Messiah College in Grantham, Pa. "Fathers often times don't take control in these types of situations because mothers, unintentionally, often times don't let them."

Repeat the question

No one wants to alienate their child's doctor or day care provider by complaining. But when medical or safety questions aren't being answered, parents have to intervene. If fatherhood blogger Greg Allen's questions are ignored during a pediatric checkup, he calmly but directly repeats his question again at the end of the visit. It can be awkward, but necessary.

Keep the calendar

"Mothers tend to be the schedulers of day care and doctor's appointments, so it makes sense that those dealing with parents tend to talk to mothers," Boyd-Soisson says. Fathers who want a higher profile with the pediatric office staff can take over scheduling duties and sign their child in upon arrival.

Tell them your name

Many fathers loathe simply being called "Dad" at their child's day care center, especially if their wives are referred to by name. Try saying "you're welcome to call me by my first name ... " to encourage the staff to use it. Use direct communication, Boyd-Soisson says, delivered "in a nice way, but sort of a firm way."

Speak their language

Salespeople are trained to assess customers' needs and try to meet them, Strauss says. "If you're out buying baby clothes or furniture, you can say, 'Hey, we're both really involved in the day-to-day, so this has to work for both of us."' If you make it clear that both parents are customers with different needs, a good salesperson will address you both equally.

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